Healing an Anxious Attachment
Where to start your journey to Healing Anxious Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships: Navigating your Path to Secure Connections
When we are anxiously attached, we often grapple with deep-seated beliefs that shape our expectations of intimate relationships.
Internal Working Models, or templates of anticipated partner behaviours, can manifest as insecurities related to acceptance, abandonment, fear of rejection, and concerns about self-worth. This leads individuals to seek constant reassurance and validation from their partners to alleviate feelings of insecurity. In turn, these have a significant impact on our relationships.
I am not here as someone who believes we need to be ‘fully healed’ or ‘enlightened’ or to ‘transcend’. I truly believe we are here to embrace the human experience with all its pain and all its joy. And, whilst it’s part of our human experience to grapple with these insecurities, I believe that acknowledging and addressing them through self-awareness practices and open, transparent partner conversations, allows for relational growth and personal development.
It's important to consider that attachment theory is just that – a theory! It is never ‘truth’ (not that there is one truth anyway!) but it is a tool to support your journey to becoming more ‘secure’ in your attachment style and offers a way to commit to increasing your self-awareness to create more harmonious relationships.
This is not an easy or linear journey. It requires ongoing dedication and self-reflection, understanding that perfection isn't the goal.
I have been working on healing my attachment style for many years and still only achieve secure relational interactions around 50% of the time. There are days, weeks, times of the month where I am more able to regulate myself and engage in more secure-attachment style relating and other times where it goes out the window! BUT even this growth has transformed my most intimate relationships and I know I will continue to grow.
Signs of Anxious Attachment in Adults
Recognising how signs of an anxious attachment style show up for you can be pivotal in understanding and addressing its impact on relationships (both intimate relationships and parental relationships).
It is important to note that you may not relate to all of these AND some of them may not be in your conscious awareness. Starting to notice if and where they show up is the first step to supporting your attachment journey.
Consistent Need for Reassurance: Anxiously attached individuals frequently seek reassurance and validation from their partner to alleviate fears of rejection or abandonment.
Fear of Abandonment: There's a persistent fear of being abandoned or left alone, which may lead to intense anxiety or distress when separated from a partner (I noticed in myself I often asked, “where are you going?” when a partner leaves the room).
Clinginess: An anxious attachment style may lead to a tendency to become overly dependent or clingy, seeking constant closeness and connection.
Overanalysing: Anxiously attached individuals tend to overanalyse situations, often misinterpreting behaviours and actions of their partners, leading to unnecessary worry.
Insecurity and Low Self-Worth: Feelings of unworthiness or a lack of self-confidence, which can lead to seeking external validation to feel valued and loved.
Emotional Volatility: Rapid shifts in emotions, feeling intense highs and lows, especially related to the status of the relationship.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Anxious individuals may struggle to establish personal boundaries, often accommodating their partner's needs over their own.
Intense Desire for Intimacy: Seeking immediate closeness and a deep emotional connection, often expecting a partner to fulfil all emotional needs.
Excessive Preoccupation with the Relationship: Constantly thinking about the relationship and the partner, which can lead to over-analysing interactions or messages.
Tendency to Over-function: Taking excessive responsibility for the relationship, sometimes neglecting personal needs in favour of maintaining the relationship.
Jealousy and Possessiveness: Anxious individuals might display jealousy or possessive behaviour due to the fear of losing the partner's affection or attention.
Approval-Seeking Behaviour: Seeking validation from the partner and being highly affected by their opinions or judgments.
Difficulty Coping with Rejection or Criticism: Anxiously attached individuals can have a hard time handling rejection or criticism, often taking it very personally.
Compulsive Communication: Feeling the need to maintain constant communication with the partner, seeking contact even in trivial situations.
Idealisation of the Relationship: An anxious attachment style might lead to idealising the relationship or the partner, setting unrealistic expectations.
The Need for Healthy Communication:
I don’t believe that attachment styles or relational wounds can be fully supported or ‘healed’ without the context of an intimate partner or close friendship. I also don’t think they can be healed in relation with a partner/friend unless there is transparent, honest communication.
Transparent communication forms the bedrock of healthy intimate relationships. Understanding attachment styles and their impact on communication is key. Securely attached individuals navigate discussions openly and express emotions comfortably, fostering healthier relationships. Conversely, insecurely attached individuals might struggle with transparency, influenced by fear of rejection or abandonment.
By actively practicing transparent communication and understanding attachment influences, it is possible to create a safe, supportive environment where both people feel heard, valued, and emotionally secure in their relationship. Communication becomes a pivotal tool in navigating the complexities of attachment styles and fostering stronger, more resilient connections.
Steps Toward Healing an Anxious Attachment:
Healing an anxious attachment style can integrate several approaches from psychology and spirituality. Research in the field of psychology and attachment theory suggests several effective strategies and steps to promote healing and cultivate more secure relationship dynamics. Here's a list of some you can try yourself:
Self-Awareness and Education: Understanding attachment theory, your own attachment style, recognising patterns, and identifying signs of your attachment style is the first step. Knowledge can empower you to address your attachment issues effectively.
Emotional Regulation & Mindfulness: Develop your skills to regulate intense emotions through techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or yoga. Emotional regulation really helps to manage overwhelming feelings. Mindfulness meditation helps to cultivate present-moment awareness and inner peace and research suggests that these practices can reduce anxiety and increase emotional resilience. Additionally, incorporating a daily gratitude practice can shift focus toward positive aspects of life, promoting emotional well-being and enhancing relationships.
Inner Child Work and Spiritual Healing: Delve into inner child work through spiritual practices like visualisation, journaling, or energy healing. By connecting with and nurturing the inner child, individuals can heal past wounds and build a stronger sense of self. You can also recognise and reframe negative thought patterns based on giving love and compassion to your own inner child. I found keeping a photo of myself as a child nearby helpful for this - studies indicate that reprocessing past experiences can lead to a more secure attachment.
Setting Boundaries: Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries within relationships. Research shows that clear boundaries enhance relationship satisfaction and reduce anxiety.
Journaling and Reflection: Engage in journaling to reflect on emotions, patterns, and triggers. Research suggests that journaling can help process emotions and identify areas for growth.
Developing Secure Relationships: Foster relationships with secure individuals or seek supportive, healthy friendships. Secure relationships can provide a model for secure attachment behaviours and promote emotional stability. I found that it took time for me to become accustomed to have a sense of ‘calmness’ and absence of chaos in relationships.
Self-Care and Healthy Lifestyle: Prioritise self-care activities, exercise, adequate sleep, and a balanced diet. Research shows a direct correlation between self-care and improved mental health. Find activities that bring you joy outside of intimate relationships and Give yourself time to enjoy things you love & set boundaries for ‘you time’.
Communication Skills: Improve communication by actively listening, expressing needs, and practicing healthy conflict resolution. Effective communication is fundamental in transforming relationship dynamics.
Acceptance and Patience: Recognise that healing is a journey, and setbacks are part of the process. Studies highlight the importance of self-compassion and patience in the healing journey.
Social Support Networks: Cultivate a support network of friends, family, or support groups. Studies suggest that social support is linked to better mental health outcomes and emotional resilience.
Therapy and Professional Support: Seeking therapy, especially modalities like Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), talking therapies (such as psychotherapy), Attachment-Informed Couples Therapy or Attachment-Based Therapy, can provide tools and guidance for working through attachment-related issues. Research has shown that therapy can significantly improve relationship functioning and reduce anxiety associated with attachment styles.
While these strategies can significantly support the healing process, it's essential to approach this journey with patience, persistence, and a willingness to seek professional guidance when needed. The combination of various strategies tailored to an individual's specific needs can pave the way for healing and developing more secure attachment patterns.
I hope this has been a helpful read and that you can start to embed some of these ideas into your daily life to create the beautifully harmonious relationships you deserve!
- Dr Jessica Rowley :)